Nicole's World: Depression

Depression and any kind of mental illness for that matter is still today a very misunderstood illness and not one talked about enough.

A story about Catherine Zeta Jones last week receiving treatment for bi-polar reminded me of this fact.

Anyone who has suffered any type of mental illness will know how debilitating it is and how alone you feel.

When it was first suggested to me back in 1999 that I was suffering depression I did not believe it. They think I am crazy I thought! I was given a referral to a psychiatrist, made an appointment but by the time it rolled around 6 weeks later I was feeling fine and cancelled the appointment (who wanted to talk about things that made them feel sad when you were feeling good). This pattern repeated for several months but each time it got worse and lasted longer. I would find myself driving home from work crying uncontrollably for no reason. I could not concentrate on anything, even things I enjoyed doing, I found it hard to smile, I could not sleep properly & when I did I was plagued by nightmares, I found myself forcing myself to pretend things were ok to the outside world till it got to a day I could not do it anymore.

In early 2000 I changed jobs and had several weeks break between them, I decided I would finally have that psychiatrist appointment. I went in ready to talk about all the things that were troubling me BUT this psychiatrist just shoved a pack of anti depressants at me and told me to come back and see him in about 6 weeks when the medication would be in my system & working (obvious he did not want to talk to an unmedicated crazy person). I left confused and started the anti depressants, by the time I started my new job I was feeling better and thought it was all a phase and I would be ok. The new job was stressful but not more so than previous jobs, it was me that was different and I started finding it hard to cope and harder to pretend that I was ok. I had no one to talk to about how I was feeling. I did not want to worry Leigh and I was too ashamed to tell any of my friends that I was obviously crazy so I just kept it all in.

In April 2000 something had to give, I went 10 days with about 1 hours sleep per day (lack of sleep makes the symptoms of depression far worse) I got up to make it through another day. This day was a relatives birthday party and as I sat at dinner that night I realised I just could not speak to anyone, I could not smile, I could not put on the mask of everything is ok that I had been hiding behind. This freaked me out and I kept going to the ladies room trying to talk myself round. We left and I had another sleepless night and the next day I actually started to have thoughts about killing myself, ending it all so I would not be a burden to anyone else and to make the pain go away. This scared me to death so I confessed all to Leigh and we went up the hospital. When you are scared, confused and have had no sleep a public hospital mental health unit is not the best place! Waiting there to talk to someone I ws surrounded by people talking to themselves, rocking in chairs and doing all kinds of strange things - this scared me to death and I begged Leigh not to leave me there. It was like a real life 'One flew over the cuckoos nest'. The psych we saw evaluated me and diagnosed me with severe depression and that I needed hospitialisation, the next question was did we have private cover as he suggested a private hospital may be more suitable for me as he could see that I was quite disturbed by seeing the state of the other patients.

Leigh remembered that a colleagues wife had suffered post natal depression and they said the psych they saw was great, so we got his name and went to see him. He had rooms at a private hospital (not a psychiatric hospital) and admitted me for what ended up being a month. It was one of the most difficult and scary times in my whole life. Dr G wanted to get my sleep sorted out, get me on the right medication (like so many things anti depressants are not a one size fits all) and see me for daily therapy sessions. The next 12 months were very tough as besides the depression I was suffereing very bad panic attacks. I learned that I had actually been suffering depressive episodes on & off since I was 13, untreated they will go away but the longer they go untreated for each time it comes back it gets worse etc..... It was amazing to find out that periods I had gone through feeling so bad in my life were not normal and that people were not meant to feel that way. Apart from some family members I told no one why I was in hospital, when I was brave enough to tell 2 friends they were great, but I still was paranoid and thought they would think I was crazy!

A year later and still recovering myself a very good friend of mine became ill herself, we spoke a few times onthe phone and I urged her to get help. A few days later she ended up in a psych ward and got her husband to call me to come & see her. She was in a terrible way as she also had psychosis as well as depression. In her lucid moments she told me I was the only person she wanted to speak to because I was the only person who would understand. I still remember her crying and holding onto me when visitng hours were over that first day, with her psychosis she thought everyone was trying to hurt her, even her husband & in that state I was the only person she felt safe with. On the drive home I remember saying to Leigh that as much as I hated what I had gone through with depression myself I could on the flipside see a bit of a life lesson. If I had not gone through what I had been through, I would not have understood or been able to be there for my friend.

So before I decided to try and make IVF a non taboo subject, for many years now I have always tried to discuss depression openly. I made a full recovery and was off medication for several years and then for no real reason I had a bad relapse in late 2007 and was hospitalised again, I even had some ECT treatments (shock therapy). Recovery was quicker than my first go round BUT I am still on a low dose anti depressant and see my psychiatrist every few weeks for a catch up. This is especially important at the moment with the stress of ivf and in dealing with the miscarraiges. I now know the difference between just feeling sad and dealing with emotions as opposed to depression, I know when things are not right and when to get help.

As someone who has suffered myself I always applaud people in the public eye who are brave enough to step forward say they are suffering with mental illness, the more people talk about this the less taboo this subject will become. Some celebrities who have talked openly about their struggles with depressive illness are Ashley Judd, Marie Osmond, Brooke Shields, Emma Thompson, Robin Williams, George Michael, Carrie Fisher, Jim Carrey, Linda Hamilton, Kirsten Dunst, Robbie Williams - the list is endless. I know I put off seeing a Dr and telling people about what was wrong with me for fear of being labelled 'crazy' - so I really admire well known people who are brave enough to share their expereinces. When you are a sufferer of anything it helps to know you are not alone and also that the illness you are suffereing from does not discriminate.